Hello Old Friend
The past month has been one of chaos, disruption and blessings! Braden and I made the move back to Denver (Centennial to be exact) and we could not be happier! We've been consumed with moving into our fixer upper and giving it the finishing touches as we've been settling in. If this wasn't enough to deal with, my three month scans managed to coincide with this move. With the weight of everything, I quickly found myself overwhelmed with things to do and with an immediate comparison for the life I just left.
Looking back at our time in Longmont I see such a change in who I was to who I am today. I see the ways in which God worked such a challenging time for my good. It was a year of stillness, which I am terrible at. I feel that God picked me up from where I was, placed me in Longmont, isolated from friends and family, and told me to focus on what truly matters. Over the year we spent there, He challenged my priorities, where I placed my worth and how I spent my time.
As we have been settling into our new home and dealing with my three month scans, I believe He has been challenging me in these new beliefs. He has let the pressure build, adding in my annual mammogram into the same week as these scans. Prior to my MRI/CT I ended up finding out from my mammogram that there was a concern in my left breast that required further imaging. It just so happened that they were able to get me in for this additional imaging the same day as my scans. So as I headed into the day I began to feel the weight of everything pull me down. It was a familiar, but unwelcome feeling that I am still navigating on how to manage. Thankfully my first set of tests came back positive! My MRI/CT showed that everything in my body is still stable. As my doctor likes to tell me, I am boring! For another three months I am cleared and can go about my life, only needing to be concerned about managing my medication side effects. As Braden and I left one hospital and made our way to another I was hit, yet again, with the feeling of sadness. I've noticed this to be a trend after every scan that should bring happiness. I think the sadness comes from the uprooting of my reality. While everyday I think about cancer, it is more or less easy to put it on the back burner. I place my fears and unknowns there, accepting that I will deal with it at a later date. However, come scan day there is no avoiding it. As I navigated these emotions, and still do, next came the ultrasound and additional imaging of my breast. While overall there was nothing alarming, the doctor felt it would be best to still do an MRI. Seeing as both my maternal grandmother and mother had breast cancer they are always extra cautious with me.
Right now, as I transition away from my scans, I am focusing on finding a new normal. One that includes life in a new, but familiar town. A life that is filled with the new truths God taught me during my time in Longmont. It has been eye opening to see how easy it is to fall back into old patterns with just a location change. The upheaval is stirring the old concerns of inadequacy and needing to do/be more. It is returning my anxiousness, perfection and the need to constantly be doing. I'm not sure if it's a result of going from a small town to (almost) city life or returning to the area that helped instill these old patterns. Regardless, they are no longer wanted and I am doing my best to navigate around them. As I mentioned, I feel God is challenging me early on. He wants me to recognize these patterns to prevent me from falling back into them. So while I know the next few months will be somewhat of a struggle, I open my arms to it!
One of my favorite things is looking back on a challenging time in my life and seeing the ways in which God worked. It makes me feel closer to Him every time! I've seen it in the ways He changed me as a result of the tragedy with my parents, through my years of being single, after several job changes, as a cancer patient and with each move to a new town I make. In the moment all seems to be closing in around me, but no matter how close those walls get He always gets me to the other side. In the safety of assurance I can see how He made me stronger, taught me and made me a better person through those times. Each served a purpose to get me where I am today. Regrets for me are more or less none existent because I've found everything plays out in my life for a reason. So to this season of change and unknown, I will let it in like an old friend.
Semi Current State of Our Fixer Upper