There was a time in my life where I thought I would hit a magical point where I would have it all figured out. That I would have attained pure balance in all areas of my life and my high stress living would be a thing of the past. And let me tell you I expected this all to happen in a timely manner...preferably by 24. Well I'm almost 30 and my life tends to look like a teeter totter. Mostly like the times my brothers would hold their end to the ground and quickly jump off sending my side crashing into the dirt below. Got to love being the youngest and only girl! Nevertheless, I always seemed to climb back on the teeter totter just hoping that the next time would be different.
On Easter Sunday, my husband and I attended Flatirons Church in Denver as we normally do, but the message really hit close to home. It was all about our "quit line" that each of us have in a situation and in life. That point where you say enough is enough. Often times this point is reached when you experience something that you always thought would never happen to you. Personally I've had the "but that wasn't suppose to happen to me" thought more times than I can count. After reflecting on the hands I've been dealt I can't say I've found my line, which I am so grateful to God for. I feel this has to do with constantly staying connected to Him in these experiences. I know that if I had turned my back on Him that my quit line would follow shortly. I guess I felt the need to share this not only because I love my church and want to share the messages I feel privileged to hear, but also so you can maybe reflect on your quit line. My students at school would tell you just how much I love self reflection. In my opinion, it gets you closer to finding that magical spot of balance. At this point in life, I feel that we never fully reach balance, but can get close with self awareness. I've learned to appreciate that the teeter totter never seems to level off because it always leaves room for growth. Never do I want to be stagnant in my own life.
My personal growth seems to be advocating for my own self care this month. In March I had made the decision to return to work for the 4th term of the school year, but was quickly met with the feeling of being uneasy. While I loved being back around a community that has shown me so much love and support, it also was taking away from the focus on my health. Given my upcoming scan and it's importance I wanted to truly be doing all that I can to heal in hopes of preventing further radiation. After much turmoil, I decided to permanently leave my teaching position. At least until I have a better handle on the tumors in my body. Once I reach a NED (no evidence of disease) state, then I can figure out what is best for me. Thankfully this decision was met with so much understanding and support, which I am beyond thankful for. It helped calm the inner thoughts of guilt and the feeling of not being strong enough. Instead I felt strength for doing what I needed. It was empowering to say the least!