Is it strange to mourn something that never existed? An idea, a path that you always envisioned yourself taking, but were cut off from before it even began. How do you move on from that dream to what reality has given you? Well if you're anything like me you might take the route of denial. You see, a little over a year ago, at the height of my cancer treatment, Braden and I were informed that due to my treatment plan I would be unable to carry a child. That because of the medication I would be on any attempt would result in a miscarriage. Instead of mourning at the time, we took action, quickly freezing my eggs before I started treatment. Now one year later this issue that we swept under the rug has shown itself again. As we get closer to our mid-thirties, we know a path needs to be laid down. Yet again, instead of taking a moment to address what was lost, I am in full "I'll figure it out" mode.
Now to understand why there really should be a mourning process let me explain young Tara to you. From my earliest memory she was always drawn to babies and children. Always wanting to feed and care for them. Constantly told she had a knack for calming down the fussiest of babies. In elementary school when asked what she wanted to be when she got older, her response was always to become a mother. Her first job was as the neighborhood babysitter and that later developed into a full on career as a nanny. Even though she planned to attended college, her ultimate goal was to get her MRS degree and become a mother. However, to her surprise that plan was thrown off with new passions and goals once attending college. The once strong desire of motherhood was suddenly buried. It had been covered with new career drives, her twenties and the loss of her mother.
Roughly ten years later, that passion and desire has been dug out of the hole it was placed in. Yet, now the traditional route is off limits. In order to become the once dreamed about mother, a surrogacy or adoption would need to take place. Instead of allowing the reality of that to sink in, I have found myself doing what I do best - taking action! Sometimes to my own detriment, I take action and proceed down a path that was not fully thought out. This has resulted in many times where I have had to learn the hard way. While I feel blessed for those lessons, I know this is one of those instances where learning the hard way isn't an option I want to offer myself. So instead I am going to go against my nature and pull back...some! :) I'm going to allow myself to process what cancer has taken from me. Adding it to the list of all the other things it has stripped from my life. Then I am going to take time to do the research so Braden and I can select the path that is best for us. I will seek wise counsel (Proverbs 14:7-8) and allow God to direct the outcome. Then a day will come, as it always does, that I will look back and thank God. Thanking Him for what I once mourned over and for what I felt was taken from me. Right now where He is leading me and the challenges He is having me face are unclear. That being said, from my experience, the struggles I am facing now will be what leads me to a life that is far better than what I imagined. He never promised to remove all my suffering, but He did promise to help see me through it. In thirty years, He has never failed me on that! There have been moments where He has felt distant, even non-existent, but looking back I can see He was still there. He was, and is, my foundation that gives me pain so I may become.
One thing I do know for sure is surrogacy is an expensive path we are not ready to tackle. If we go through an agency we are looking at upwards of $100,000. This brings me to a favor, if you or anyone you know has had it on their heart to be a surrogate for someone else would you please reach out to me. We can cut our cost in half if we are able to find an independent surrogate. My other ask is for prayers! Prayers in guidance of the path that is right for Braden and I, whether that be surrogacy or adoption. As always, thank you for support and never hesitate to reach out with how I can be praying for you. Currently, my prayer is that any fear you are experiencing can be replaced by love. For while it may feel He has currently forgotten you among this pandemic, I pray the day comes where you see how He has taken these trying times and used them for your good.