Over the past year I have spoken about how I am a recovering perfectionist. How God isolated me to a small town North of Denver to address what I was putting before Him. Spoiler alert...pretty much everything! Now almost one year into the move, with our lease approaching the end and our fixer upper back in Denver nearing completion, God is testing the lessons He has taught me. I firmly believe that God is using these strange times of COVID-19 to show me where in my life I am still hanging onto what the world tells me is true. He is opening my eyes to places of weakness so that when I am out of isolation, and back into the world that pulls me twenty different directions, my focus remains on Him. Making sure He is my cornerstone, which I build my life upon!
Our Fixer Upper In Progress
Since June 2019, I have been shown how I put my accomplishments above all else. That I didn't feel worthy unless I was crossing things off my to do list, creating a career, saying yes to everything and being all things to everyone. All the while, keeping a smile on my face, working out six to seven days a week and fitting my definition of perfect. I took pride in little sleep, doing two a day workouts and holding four jobs at once (had to beat my mom's three). This past year taught me to slow down, to rest, to say no, to depend on others and to love myself. It was a constant battle of guilt and acceptance. By the grace of God, I finally began to feel settled in this new way of living. Where God is my base that is unshakeable and peace is easily found.
That being said, it can still feel like I am running towards God to only trip and fall. Resulting in walking back the direction I came from and searching for comfort, or at least someone with a bandaid. I have seen how my heart can be rooted in His truths, but can live out of what I, and others, say is true. This was shown to me when I let my old thought of "I am not enough" seep in over the past few weeks. As I watched everyone doing all the workouts, eating all the right foods, crossing off all their to do's and accomplishing more in a day than I do in a week - how I used to define myself came back for an unwelcome hello. That's when I begin to question the path I was on. Which led me to plan out how I was going to make all the changes so that I can get that six pack, have the cleanest house, have the next year of my life planned out and cure cancer. Thankfully I have done the work to only allow these thoughts to last maybe a day before I recognize what I am doing. My hope is the time between these thoughts and acknowledging my eyes are no longer fixed on God is quicker - even non existent. This is why I have prayed to become fully rooted in Him so the next time I fall, I stand up and walk forward, seeking my heavenly Father's comfort. Only God knows the path He has for me, but if I keep comparing and trying to control the outcome, I am just getting in His way.
From the outside looking in, this past year of my life has probably looked extremely unproductive and selfish. For a long time I battled that thought - I am not accomplishing and giving enough! Yet, when I stop using what others use to define productivity and self worth, I can recognize this has probably been my most productive year yet. I have been able to grow as a person and work through emotions I have let consume me since childhood. I am more planted in His truths than I ever have been and look forward to the continued growth. So instead of worrying about if I did self-isolation right today, I am giving myself some grace. It would do us all some good to worry less about accomplishments and be more concerned where our hearts lie. Is it consumed with finding methods to numb itself, stressed about death or anxious for what lies ahead? I have learned the hard way nothing comes from letting your heart rest in those places. Allowing it to be safe in the hands of Christ will provide the comfort we all are seeking. So my question to you, where is your heart today?!